Barns [sic] in Surrey, Novr. 3. 1825

My dear friends,

On the 1st. July, 1824, I thought as much of you, as though I had been in the midst of you, as I have so many times been, when the calamity wch.. has befallen us appeared likely to fall, and wch.. the rare skill of some, & the great kindness of all of you, with the blessing of God, seemed to avert; Alas! Alas! when the fatal moment came for the bereavement. I sadly missed the assistance we used to have, even before, in all parts of the world. I certainly think our beloved friend might have been longer spared to us, and at any rate, that his sufferings wd. have been lessened, had Drs. Wentworth and Redfern, been about him; but it is past, and we have only to bear it in the best manner we can.

Whether I did right or wrong I cannot tell, but I avoided every word and act , wh. cd. tend to affect his mind, or make him think I apprehended danger. Had Mr. Cowper been by my side, I shd. probably have followed, on this momentous subject; as it was, I had no one to advise with, and I thought his bodily suffering being so severe, that all agitation of his mind had better be avoided. I acted the part of a Stoic, having remembered the conduct of a person I admired, who, when she was asked, how she could get through such a trial, with calm composure answered, "I shall have time enough to grieve." I now think, that as sure as you deviate from perfect candour, truth, and nature, you are sure to err, whatever the nature of this deviation may be; and I am sure my present situation wd. be much less miserable, than it is, if we had candidly spoken to each other, of the separation wch. was about to take place.

In the midst of my great distress, it was my intention to have written to you, immediately; for I felt, (as I ever have done in regard to you), as though we were one family, But I could not prevail with myself, to put pen to paper, on the subject, untill [sic] this day. Many periods have been appointed for the purpose, but all have come, and gone without the attempt being made. Some of you will perhaps recollect, that this day Eighteen years * made me his wife; and from that time only, I date the period of the only part of my life, wch. I look back on, with satisfaction and wd. willingly pass over again – ; but I have said enough of my self. —

I shall now proceed to give you a narrative of the circumstances attending our loss; and, if you shd. think I am superstitious, I can only assure you, I have no intention to appear so, but merely wish to give you facts, and circumstances, as they arose, because I think I am doing what will be satisfactory to you. —

On the 10th. of Novr. 1823, we arrived in Mull, and, from necessity, took up our abode, at a kind neighbour's house – Col. Campbell, expecting to get into our humble dwelling, in a very short time; but for sixty long days, we were detained as intruders on the hospitality of this worthy family, owing to the extreme badness of the weather wch. prevented the two little vessels coming round the Island, with our stores, coals, and every necessary of life. At last on the 19th. January, we went home to our truly uncomfortable house, wch. did not afford one dry room, and of so small dimensions, that it did not admit of a room, wch. could be appropriated to the General's exclusive use. He sat in the dining room, where he was constantly disturbed by us all, so that he could not even write a Letter, in comfort. The rain and wind blew in at the door, and sometimes the fire was blown out of the Grates. In the midst of all this, I never heard him utter a complaint. The storms were severe, and almost without intermission. In the worst of the weather of January [ie. 1824], he went to visit my sister, Mrs. Maclaine, who was in bad health. This was four long days Journey, on Horseback, going, & coming, wch. he performed, soaked through with rain, and had little comfort, when he went, the guests chamber being little occupied in winter, and not kept aired. He caught a dreadful cold. wch. settled on his chest, wch. he said he felt light. He has a severe fit of the ague, also. At this time, I caught cold, and so did Lachlan; however I felt happy, we were in a place we could call our own. I hoped, that our comforts wd. improve, but my spirits were low, and depressed. I could not tell why; for my cup was as full of bliss, and I had nothing to wish for, but a continuous [?] of what I enjoyed.

During this period, the General attended every meeting of the Justices, (whatever the weather might be), wch. were held about three miles off. There he used to spend whole days, as assiduously employed in the business of the county, as it was usual for him to be, on matters of greater importance. Some days he rode out on Horseback, with his overseer; sometimes alone; we had a few days fine weather, when I had some happy walks with him, wch. I much enjoyed. The first thing he said to me, wch. surprised me, was the day we kept Lachlan's Birthday, the 29th. March (the 28th. being of a Sunday, that year) The weather was wet, and Stormy, yet he insisted on our going on the Lake, wch. is near the House, in a boat, he had given Lachlan. We rowed up to a distant part, he then said, "My reason for bringing you thus far, is to show you the extent of your Estate." At the time I imagined it to be the extent of the property, at that part. I have since found out that this not be the case; but it is the boundary of a large tract of Land wch. he left to me in his Will, made in the year 1815. It surprised me, that he shd. say, "your Estate" instead of "our Estate," but I took no notice of it, to him. After Lachlan's birthday he went to visit his sister, and a lady still farther off, who had been kind to him, when he was young. This was another long Journey. He was two nights absent. After that, he went to the town of Tobermory, and paid all the Debts, so that before the fatal 15th. April, the day he left his house, never to return in life, he had paid every visit of kindness, or civility, wch.. cd.. be required, and settled every thing, relative to business; He had moreover acquainted himself thoroughly with his place, and property, that he had laid down, all the plans for its improvement; and expressed in so concise, and distinct a manner, that it is impossible not to understand his wishes, wch. will now be carried into effect.

I think it was in the month of March, that he received Letters from several friends, urging his coming to London, on business, wch. they said, wd. be settled without his presence. He told me, that he had no wish to leave home, but that it appeared indispensable to our interests, that he shd. go. I agreed with him in the same opinion. We then began to settle the plan for his Journey. He said he would go alone, but left it to me, to arrange as I saw fit. At this time my cough continued, the weather was still dreadful. Lachlan had just commenced his education, in earnest, with a Tutor; it seemed to be out of the question, to move, and disturb him for so short a time, as his Father intended to be absent. The House was so uncomfortable, that I determined, if ever he went from home, to get it repaired, and enlarged. This he did not approve of, for intending to commence a proper Dwelling house, whenever his circumstances admitted of it, he did not like to throw away money, on the one, we were in, of wch., indeed, it was not worthy. But I was determined to make him somewhat comfortable, in it, (if I could), untill [sic] the intended house was habitable; wch. must have taken two or three years, from the period of its commencement. Thus having much to do at home, being in ill health, and having determined that George and I, should one of us, take charge of the Father, and the other of the Son, it occurred to me, that George wd. be no incumbrance [sic] to his master, and he more useful to him, and comfort without alloy, wd. arise from this arrangement, while I of little comfort. Unhappy that I am, and was to have to have decided this point! on wch. it is possible that our happiness poised! I never shall forgive myself for this Error.

When the time arrived for his departure, the day previous he took Lachlan, and went out with him, on Horseback. I could not think why he was so pressing with me, to go. The horses were once ordered back, the day was so wet. The shower being over he had them brought again. I found it was for the purpose of showing us, every line he had fixed on, for roads, and inclosures, [sic] Plantations, &c. he took us to the different points, and seemed desirous to impress everything he said, on our memories. I was surprised, that previous to an absence of a few weeks, he shd. think it necessary to do this. He and I, had previously selected on the scite [sic] for a house, the burial ground, and a boat house for Lachlan's Boat. I think it was that day, that I said to him, I cannot bear the idea of your going without me. "He said 'Well – come, –' I observed, that I could not assist in dressing him, as George did. "He answered 'I can dress myself!'["]. Yet, after all this, I seemed spellbound. I did not go. He cleared out the writing Table, he generally used, and that surprised me. I observed to him that he acted as a person going away, who had no intention of returning. — On the fatal morning, he put into my hand a little Box, wch. I had never seen. I opened it. It contained Trinkets, Pocket Books, and different little things of that sort, wch. had belonged to Mrs. Mc..Quarrie, his former wife. He always had this box in the trunk with his most particular and private Papers. He said "I give you this; there are things in it, wch. may be useful, to you, and Lachlan. I was so astonished and alarmed, that I exclaimed "My God! You terrify me out of my senses, by the way you are going on –'." He put into my hands, also, that morning, a memorandum of intended improvements, at Jarvisfield, wch. I have already mentioned. Finally, when he took leave of me, he burst into tears, wch. he never did before, on any occasion, regarding me, that I am aware of. The recollection of this, is one of the most agreeable I have to reflect on, being to me, a convincing proof (had such been required), of his affection. — Poor Lachlan accompanied his beloved Father to the top of the hill, from wch. there is a view of Mull and of Lochnagael [sic: Loch na Keal]. There his Tutor ordered him, much agt.. his will, to return. He wished to accompany his Father. He has frequently mentioned this circumstance since, with bitter regret. —

From this period, untill [sic] I lost sight of him, for ever, in this world, every thing went wrong, and the reverse of what I shd. have wished in regard to his health, accommodation, and personal comfort. He had a bad passage to Glasgow; was up all night in the steam Boat; after arriving, did not allow himself to rest, but got into a crowded and common Coach, to Edinburgh, wishing to hurry out, and got to the end of his Journey, as soon as possible. from Edinburgh he went again, in a steam Boat, to London, where encountering a contrary Gale, he suffered as he expressed himself, "so severely from sea sickness, headache, an intolerable motion, heat and noise of the machinery, and smell of oil, and coals, that I have almost determined never to enter a steam boat again." We have been in the same Boat since I went to see his Birth, [sic] where he lay, wch. was in a crowded, small cabin, and so confined a place, that I think he could with difficulty get into it. Our beloved friend was detained on his Passage, 24 hours, longer than the vessel used to take, in performing it. When he arrived at London, he could hardly gain admittance any where, the Town was so full. He had a severe head- ache, and felt giddy, and heated. He had a great many kind friends in Town. They were so happy to get him among them again, that he was continually engaged to Dinner, and Parties. He got into high spirits, and good health, and looked better than he had done for many years. He was much occupied, yet he never forgot us, and every post brought us charming long Letters, from him, although he had a very poor return; for from the moment he left us, I fell into great despondency, and never could prevail on myself, to write to him, untill [sic] I received a Letter from him, letting us know, that he was arrived. He must have been a fortnight in town, before he had a line from us. Even to the last he often sufferred [sic] great anxiety, at not receiving accounts from us. You will judge how this vexes me, now, on his part, besides his unremitting attention in writing, to us, wch. we cd. want, or shd. like to have, as tho' he had nothing to do, or think of, but us. Hearing from others, that he was in so high spirits, and receiving such cheerful Letters, from himself, I began to rally my spirits also, I commenced building, making new roads, clearing ground, new papering, and furnishing the house, inside, and attempting to repair it, so as to keep out the wet; but all that had failed. I never saw such a house. The walls are like a wet sponge in winter. Every thing from the most minute, to the most important, was done, in the happy anticipation of his Return. —

I had three rooms, and a porch, built, little thinking, that the body only, of my beloved, husband, was to occupy the apartment, I was so busy preparing for his use. Had he lived to come home, I think he wd. be better pleased, with me, than he ever was, for considering the season of the year, the distance from every material, and the shortness of the time, certainly the exertion that was used, and the success attended it, were extraordinary. While I was occupied in this way, I awoke, one night, in the most inexpressible agony of terror, about him. I felt a cold horror over me. Lachlan was asleep on a bed near me. [W]hile I was trying to compose myself, and to think that it was but a dream, I should not regard, Lachlan in his sleep, called out "Papa, Papa," just as he wd. have done, had he seen his dear father, burning, or drowning before his eyes. I asked him in the morning what he had been dreaming about but he had no recollection of it. I told the family of my dream, and of Lachlan's exclamation. I felt very uneasy; but hearing from him, again, that all was well, the impression went off.

On the 14th. May he says, in his Letter of that date. "You may depend on my writing to our friends, in N. S. Wales,["] mentioning each of you by name that he intended writing to, "I wish I could send each of them a set of our Lithographic Portraits, but they are really too frightful to be given to our friends" I think, I can answer for these Letters having been sent, whether you have received them or not. You know his punctuality in every thing, and I know, that many Letters we have sent, never reached you.

On the 24th. April, Gen. McQuarrie arrived in London, that day he wrote me, a long and most pleasing Letter; in the concluding part, he says "on Monday I commence my campaign wch. please God I sincerely hope to bring to a close one way or other by this day three weeks! at least it will not be my fault if I do not, for there is no place I detest half as much as London. Bless and Kiss our Darling Lachlan for me, and accept the same yourself." This Letter as you may naturally suppose put me in high spirits. I set to work in earnest. The time he was to be absent, seemed short. I had so much to do; I wished to have done, I felt even a sort of carelessness about Letters, and often deferred sending to the post office for a day, because I would not take even a lad from the works. You have some of you seen me busy, but I never was half so much so, from the different pursuits in hand. I had so many women and children, at work of different kinds, as I could find willing to be employed; and laboured hard myself. The weather became extremely fine. The birch woods, began to show their leaves, and the ground was enamelled with Primroses. The constant exertion, and being so much in the open air, produced an astonishing improvement in my state of health. Every thing seemed to go well with us, but this sunshine of happiness was but a treacherous calm, and of short duration. The bad weather and very ill health had prevented me from going to see his sister, or mine. I had not been at the house of either, since before we went to N. S. Wales. My respect for my husband led me to visit my sister-in-law first. Saturday the 29th. May, I took Lachlan to Askomell, [sic: Oskamull] where we were most kindly received, by Mrs. Mc..Laine, and her son Col. Hugh Mc..Laine of the 77th. Regt. On Sunday, when we were sitting in the Garden, I received a Letter from my beloved Husband, dated the 26th.. – wch. contained the following intelligence. "Hence you will observe I cannot leave London in three weeks as I expected to do. But I hope I shall not be much behind my time." With the receipt of this Letter terminated my capacity for happiness, or joy, in this life. It struck me in an acute manner. I felt the full force of the well known expression, "that hope deferred maketh the heart sick." I sent for Colonel Hugh, to my Room. I told him, that I felt as though his uncle would never come home. He walked about the Room with me for a long time, using every argt. that a sensible man , cd. think of, to dispel my fears, and apprehensions; but I do not think they ever left me, entirely. I recollect from that time (but I think it came on sooner,) the greatest impatience for Letters. When the expected moment arrived, If they did not come, I sufferred [sic] great uneasiness, and impatience.

On Monday the 31st. we returned home. At that time, the roof was about to be put on the new Rooms. We found waiting for us, in the house, an express from Lochbuie to inform me, that the Doctor thought my sister could not survive many days, and that she earnestly desired to see us. I sent off the messenger with a few lines, to say, that nothing short of necessity should detain us, on the morrow. Lachlan and I went accordly. on Tuesday & I left his Tutor, as I feared he might be troublesome in a house of distress and his presence was much required at home, to keep the servants and workmen in order. We made out our voyage, from Saline [sic] to Lochaline having crossed the Isle of Mull, twice, that day, on horseback, with great good luck, and were received with much satisfaction, by my dying sister, and numerous family. This excellent woman was John Mc..Lean[']s mother. Her sufferings were very great indeed, but not capable of subduing her extraordinary attachment to her relations. I call it extraordinary, because having so large a family of her own. one wd. think Brothers, and Sisters, and nephews, wd. not be much thought of, at such a time; but it was not so, although our Brother came the day after we did, and the house was full of her children, who with their husbands all came to be about her. Every time, I proposed returning home, she so decidedly disliked our going that I did not know, what to do. She visibly thought every day was to be her last, and wished to have us all about at that moment. On Monday the 14th.. Lachlan and I left my kind sister to see her no more. I felt so uneasy about returning home, to receive my beloved husband, and to get things in order, for him, that I would not stay any longer.

We returned all the way on Horseback, over the mountains, there being no roads and in some places very terrific. In front of the House at Jarvisfield, I found Major Taylor, Col. Mc..Laine, and Mr. Meiklejohn. I felt discontented, and inhospitable at seeing friends there, but not the friend I wished. The only intimation I had received previous to this period, of any injury, to his health, was of his having got a complete drenching, coming home on the 13th. May, from a Ball. He could not get a hackney coach, and walked in torrents of rain, for above a mile, in silk stockings. But I thought nothing of this, in the hope, that by George's attention on getting home, he had escaped all injury. But on the 31st. May, he wrote as follows "Having suffered a great deal from getting wet, coming home from Mrs. Canous Route [sic: Mrs. Carnac's Rout], I have conformably to your wishes kept a job carriage or Glass coach ever since." On the 22nd.. May he wrote "that he felt the fatigue of standing for five hours on the 20th.. so severely, that he was ready to drop down, several times with weakness, and how happy he felt to get home to his own lodgings." He adds "Even now, I feel the effects of the fatigue of the day." In one of his Letters, he told me, not to write again, for he should not have time to receive my Letters (I have already mentioned, that we got home on Tuesday, or Wednesday. I got a Letter from him, dated the 12th. June. The first two pages are entirely taken up about my sister, – I dare say with the just idea that the following detail wch. I shall give you, in his own words would shock me less, than if he began his Letter with it. "I had a dreadful night of it indeed; but being now quite well, you need not be at all alarmed, at this short detail, I am about to give you. Between 1. & 2 o'clock in the morng. of yesty. I awoke with a most severe headache, a good deal of fever, and a severe pain in my bowels, accompanied by an inordinate degree of thirst. The latter I soon quenched, by a draught of Toast and water wch. I had always by me at night. —I must confess I thought myself in a very serious way. I therefore, rang the bell for George, and sent him for the nearest surgeon; Mr. — of — — Street. He came to me, along with George wch. was about 4. o'clock in the morning,. The Surgeon instantly ordered hot water, and Flannel, and the parts to be fomented to remove the pain, giving me some diuretic draughts, at the same time. These applications had the desired effect. I was however recommended to keep my bed all day, to take the necessary medicines, wch. I did, and today I am happy to tell you, I am as well in point of health, as ever only a little weak and giddy. The doctor advised me to take a drive out in the carriage, wch. I am still so extravagant as to keep, for taking a little fresh air in, the Park, wch. I accordly. did, and also called on our worthy friend Sir C. Forbes, from whom I got the Franks, I now write to you under cover open. I only returned home from my ride, about an hour, and feel myself much refreshed, from the drive. I have thus given you an exact account of this very serious attack of illness. It was really a very smart and painful attack, whilst it lasted. The Doctor called it spasms in the Bowels, with something bordering on a strangury, wch. I believe it really was, though I never experienced any such thing before. It certainly was very violent, and painful whilst it lasted. Poor George was greatly alarmed, but still remained cool and collected in doing his office, as long as the fomentation was necessary. His kindness assiduity and attention could not possibly be exceeded, except by yourself. Indeed more than ever I prayed inwardly, that you had been by me, to soften those painful sensations, I felt, not that I apprehended the least danger but that I might have your usual and kind affectionate aid, as my nurse. The Doctor says it wd. not be prudent to travel by sea, or land, at present, and that I should remain preferably quiet, as I am, and where I am, for at least a week or ten days. I have acquiesced in this, and shall not therefore leave London, at the time I intended namely the 17th. Instant, but still hope I may do so with perfect safety by the 20th. of the present month. Adieu, God Bless you, all, and my love to you all, –

Ever most affectionately yours
L.M."

As well as I remember, I received this Letter, with calm despair. I determined to go to him, on the instant, but I thought I should avail myself of a communication with Mr. Meiklejohn, as to the best mode to be adopted. He advised me to wait for another post, that if, (as it was to be hoped,) the General had continued well, and been able to set off at the time he expected, we shd. probably pass each other on the sea; that going I put it out of my power to have any further accounts, and that by waiting for another post, we shd. be as soon in London, as by setting out then, as the Leith boat did not sail again, untill [sic] Wednesday morning; and wch. we could overtake though we waited for another Post. I followed this advice, you may judge the life I led, untill [sic] 11, o'ck. on Sat. night, when I had the following Letter written in such a manner, that you would hardly know his hand; but the dear Soul wd. not alarm me, by employing a person to write for him. But, I was sufficiently alarmed: for from that moment, my despair was at its height. I saw that all was lost. The only hope I indulged was to see him alive, and that I did not expect.

My dearest Love I wrote to you, on Sat. evening last, and in half an hour afterwards your Letter of the 7th. Instant from Lochbuy reached me. This letter put me in high spirits, and feeling myself then in very good bodily health, I ventured out to drive, where I had been a fortnight engaged, I came home early, but this did not suffice, for I felt myself quite in a fever, when I awoke the next morning, I kept my bed all yesterday, and also all this day, having merely got up to write this hurried scrawl, to you, to keep my promise; I have the happiness of assuring you, however, that the two main points in this attack have been overcome, namely the attack on my bowels, and strangury. The first by constant hot formulations, and the second by a catheter wch. gave me instant relief. I certainly sufferred [sic] much pain, and now feel extremely weak in consequence, but you may assure yourself, I am not in the smallest danger. I shall write to you again, tomorrow, to report the state of myself, in point of health. I have not been able to get a frank from having been all day confined to the house, and chiefly by my Bed. With my love to yourself, and Lachlan, and kind regards to Mr. Meiklejohn, I remain my dear Love, your affectionate Husband.

L.M.

Poor Lachlan was asleep, and knew nothing of our misfortune, untill [sic] daylight in the morning, when we were ready to depart. I had concealed his Father's illness from him. He behaved in all respects throughout, as you would wish and I hope you will find he will be a credit to the memory of our beloved friend. —

The day we left home I consider as one of the most severe I ever passed. The anxiety and impatience were so excessive. I shall not enter into a detail of our Journey. We arrived at London at the General's Lodgings, on Friday the 25th. He was in the act of writing to me, when the first of our party went in, to inform him of our near approach, lest he should be alarmed. It was such a joy, to me to find him in life, that I suppose I did not know, how he looked, for he appeared to me, much as usual. He was sitting in his dressing room, Mr. Meiklejohn told me, since, that he looked extremely thin. He was not pleased with me, for coming, expecting to get away, shortly, he thought it a foolish waste of time, and trouble, & he had no possible accommodation for us. I said he must not mind that. We should go to Mr. Davidson's, and only come to see him when we were permitted. I called on his principal medical man, next morning, to ask his opinion. He said that he thought it wd. take a month before the General could leave London.

This visit detained me a long time. There were so many people waiting to see the doctor, that it was advanced in the day before I got to his lodgings. I met George, whom he had sent in quest of us. I found him sitting up: he said, I am coming roundabout, by your having come; by tomorrow I shall be quite myself. He then said, where is Lachlan? I told him, that we had settled it, that I shd. come in the morning, and he should come in the Evening, for fear being both together we might fatigue him. He said No, you may come in the Evening also. Accordingly, we went. Lachlan told him something that had happened in the highlands, at wch. he laughed heartily. That was the last time we heard him laugh, or saw him sit up.

It is impossible for me to give you, an idea of the degree of satisfaction I felt, at being with him once more. [F]ool that I was! I remember feeling in good spirits that evening. At Mr. Davidson's next morning, (Sunday), I intended going to church, but said I wd. call on him first. On my road I met Mr. Meiklejohn. He said the General is not so well today; he has had another relapse; it is but slight, and you have no cause to alarm yourself. But I was alarmed. I found that he had got up rather early to write Letters of introduction for a young man who was going to India. He wrote thrice, felt fatigued and I believe had a shivering fit, wch. the Dr. had always expressed a fear of coming on. When I came, he said, "You need not think I am worse, the Dr. thinks I shall the sooner recover by keeping my bed, a few days" I never left him, after that, but to look for Lodgings on Monday, at his desire, as he wished to have one where we could all be accommodated. I told him that Mr. M. proposed that him only and Lachlan, shd. return to Jarvisfield, that he might proceed with his education, while he could look out the concerns there. "No; now that we have met, let us be happy, together and part no more." [W]e had a more happy conversation, that day, laid down plans of where we shd. go, when he could travel – I think we both indulged hope, that day.

On Tuesday, a strong medicine was given to him, wch. affected him too much, and more than the Dr. wished. That night fearing, that my strength wd. fail I lay down on a bed, for a few hours, and slept. [W]hile I was away, he asked George, for pen, Ink, and paper, George told him, it was no use giving it to him, for that he could not, write, but that I should be up, presently, and wd. write whatever he wished, and he could sign it. I returned to his room, at 4' o'clck.. [I]n the morning, whenever he saw me come in he said "I want to give you these Letters" I said "my love, you must not think of business, untill [sic] you are better". I mention this, to shew you, that he was aware of his situation, and perfectly sensible to the last moment. He then asked, where Lachlan was, I told him, that Sir C. Forbes had taken him, and his Tutor to his house. He said it was extremely kind. Lachlan visited his father every day, and the beloved Soul always kissed him with the greatest tenderness. This he did, a few minutes before all was over. The Doctor behaved to me, in a manner totally different from what I had ever been used to from medical men. Their conduct to me was the reverse of what wd. have been agreeable. On Wednesday they desired to speak with me, when I came, the principal person told me, that a change had taken place, so much for the worse, that they had no expectation of the General's recovery. I said "I trusted they were mistaken; that I had seen my Husband very low before, and that his constitution was remarkably good one. They said, they considered his case desperate, and that life could not be expected for him, above 24 hours. On the fatal morning of Thurs: the 1st. July I sent for Lachlan, to come without delay, and for Sir Ch. Forbes. Lachlan came first, through the streets at full speed, in Sir C. F. coach, in dreadful agitation. I knew his arrival by his lamentable crying. He sent for me, to come to him; and on going desired me to give a Guinea to the coachman, for driving so hard. I did this, in the hope that it might help to pacify him. In a little time, he composed himself, so as to be able to come to his Father's pillow, without any noise, only sobbing heavily. I said "my Love here is Lachlan come to see you" on wch. they kissed each other, and after a while Lachlan was prevailed upon to return. Sir C. Forbes came about that time. I told him that I saw what was before me, that I did not know, what power I shd. have till it befell me, to act as I wished. I therefore begged to know, whether he wd. be so good as to order, that I required. I wished to have the assistance of one person only. Sir C. readily undertook to do, what was to be done[.] I took him into the room, to see my beloved husband, who fixed his eyes upon, with an expression as extremely tender, benevolent, and kind, that I never saw anything so benign and beautiful in my life; but once, and that was, when our little darling daughter, regarded me with intelligence her eyes were exactly like him. After a little time Sir C. F. left the room. I saw my Husband, looking for him. I called him back. The same extraordinary expression was renewed, and I observed him, to say, "fine fellow, fine fellow," These were his last words. This was the way he always mentioned Sir C., who stroked the General on the face, and said, "I am obliged to leave you, a little, but I shall soon be back, when I hope to find you better." Our Dear friend shook his head, with an intelligence wch. it was impossible not to understand.

Time goes at such moments one does not know how. I think it was but a few moments after my beloved Husband looked earnestly, as George thought, for me. Unhappily, I was not in the room, not apprehending the event so near. He gave a heavy sigh, before I entered. At that moment his eyes, were turned up to heaven. He continued to breathe gently, for some time, and at length, it ceased, without a groan, or struggle of any kind. I was on my knees, beside him, and had hold of his shoulder. Every one was perfectly tranquil. He was certainly undisturbed, at the last, wch. is all that I can say in commendation of my services. The only persons present, were myself, his faithful servant George, and a man servant of Sir C. Forbes, who I had got to assist us for several days. He is a quiet, well disposed man, and was a very great comfort to me.

The moment of his departure was to me the most sublime of my Life. I felt as though my soul was ascending with his to heaven. His countenance remained the same as usual, but strongly expressive of exhaustion, and resignation. Sir Ch. had a Cast taken wch.. is the same as himself, I could not trust myself with it, at first, but now it is my most valuable possession.

I felt so collected, at the time, that I thought I could have gone through with my intention of remaining with, and accompanying his beloved remains to Scotland. But so many friends, with mistaken illjudged kindness came to me, even before I knew they were in the house, that I felt so ill, that I expected a violent attack of fever. Lachlan at this time would not part from me and we had only one spare bed. Fearing Lachlan might suffer by remaining, I was prevailed on, to go to Mrs. Davidson's. The coffin had been closed, 33 hours, before we went. The Surgeons wished to examine into the cause of our loss, but this I wd. not on any account admit.

In regard to going in the vessel to Mull, Miss Meredith told me, that she knew it to be done in two instances. In one life was lost, in the other, the powers of the mind. Mr. Meiklejohn thought my strength not equal to the voyage, wch. proved to be a very severe one. I therefore took Lachlan by land. The day we left London, was one of the most severe of my life. On looking at my watch, I absolutely thought it stood still, more than once. The weary time seemed to me as though it would never pass. The day we returned to Mull, was in comparison to the day we left it one of no suffering at all. – What the state of my mind has been since, I leave you to judge; and you may assure yourselves, that it is no easy task to support life, with rational satisfaction, after the loss of such a Husband. This much I will say, that I am beyond the reach of joy or happiness, and that I am in a state of indifference to the world, and all its concerns; but my only duty to him from whom we receive all. To the will of my beloved Husband, even were he here to direct my conduct, and my earnest wish to serve Lachlan, induces me to take care of my health and to keep myself occupied. – It was a long time before I could do this.

Every respectful mark of regard for our beloved friend, was paid, that I could think of in London, on the voyage, and in Mull. In the vessel the attendants were Colonel Mc..Quarrie, Mr. Meiklejohn, George Jarvis, the undertaker, and his assistants. The master and the sailors were very respectfull [sic] men, and behaved with the greatest propriety. They encountered severe and contrary gales of wind, and were several times in danger of being lost. I wrote to my excellent brother, not to wait for us, but to proceed to Mull, in order, that he might be on the spot, to receive the remains of my Husband, fearing that my weakness might prevent me from getting there before the vessel, wch. however did not happen. We were there several days before. There was no disembarkation from the River Thames, untill [sic] they reached his own Land, where on the shore, they were met by my Brother, by Lachlan, by Mr. Mc..Donald Buchanan, Col. Mc..Laine, Col. Campbell of Knock, and some of his own tenants. It was a renewal of life to me, when I got his body, into the house, once more. The Room I had been building with so much anxiety was first used for this occasion. The Escutcheons were placed over a table at the head of the coffin, and on the Table was placed the superb vase, given him by the grateful colonists. I had it taken from the Silversmiths, in London, for the purpose, and it was so used in London, at the ceremony there. Mr Mn.. read the funeral service, according to the Church of England, at wch. we all attended. I had called at Perth, on my way home, for the purpose of receiving the body of our dear infant, which we carried with us. Her little coffin was laid on his breast. Lachlan behaved from first to last, on the most trying occasion, in the most satisfactory manner. He has more true religious principles than any one I ever knew, with the exception of yourselves, my dear Mr. and Mrs. C[owper].

I shall now take my leave of you for this time. My Letter is long, but I thought I could not be too particular, on a subject, in wch.. one and all of you have shown, what I thought, a most laudable interest.

I trust we shall all meet to part no more. Farewell! That every blessing may attend you is my constant Prayer.

E. H. McQuarrie [sic]

At Barnes, Surrey 23d. March 1826.

correct copy from Mr. Fitzgeralds' copy –

J. McGarvie Minst.. 4th.. Octr.. 1832

A true copy Signed (Rd. Fitzgerald.)

[*Insert in text copy on p.2: "married 3d. Novr. 1807. for second time to E. H. Macquarie of Arkomell [sic] the writer."]

Provenance
This transcription has been made from McGarvie, Rev. J., Memorandum Book, 1829 - 1832. Held in the Mitchell Library, Sydney. C254: "Narrative of the Last Days of General Macquarie, by Mrs. Macquarie." (Copy made by the Rev. J. McGarvie from Mr. Richard Fitzgerald's copy.)

Historical Background
The manuscript is a copy of a letter from Elizabeth Macquarie to friends in NSW that she began writing on 3 November 1825 – the 18th. Anniversary of her wedding day. It was apparently finished (or perhaps dispatched) on 23 March 1826. The letter was addressed to the Rev. William Cowper and his wife, Ann, though clearly it was intended as a document that could be circulated amongst personal friends of the Macquaries in New South Wales. Copies of the letter were subsequently made, and this particular copy is marked:

"correct copy from Mr. Fitzgerald's copy. — J. McGarvie, Minist. 4th.. Octr.. 1832."

It was attested; "A true copy Signed Rd. Fitzgerald."

This would make the MacGarvie 'copy' a copy of Fitzgerald's copy - and therefore, at least a third-generation copy. Inevitably, this led to errors in copying, possible word omissions, text insertions, and changes in the spelling of personal names and unfamiliar places - as well as variant forms of punctuation.

To date, the whereabouts of Elizabeth's original letter is unknown (if indeed it has survived).

Later transcriptions of the letter have appeared in: Sydney Morning Herald September 22, 1868 p.6, and C.H. Bertie "Governor Macquarie." Royal Australian Historical Society Journal Vol. XVI Part 1, 1930 pp. 38 - 50. Most recently, it has been reproduced in Good Weekend Magazine: Special Edition. 'The Best Writing from 175 years of the Sydney Morning Herald.' April 22, 2006 pp.35-38 "The Death of Governor Lachlan Macquarie." There are noticeable differences, omissions, and errors of transcription in these various versions when compared to the McGarvie copy held in the Mitchell Library, Sydney.

It is unclear which particular 'copy' was used in their preparation. Both differ from the McGarvie copy: different editorial practices, including personal name omissions, changes in spelling, punctuation etc.

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